A Letter to my friend,

To my friend,

You are my beautiful, bright, black heart, tortured soul sister. You are my best, fuck the world, fuck the stupid, fuck the small town, fuck the boy toys, fuck the heart breaks, we can do this shit on our own term, our own way friend.  I do not judge you.  I am you.  I love you.  I miss you like crazy.  We were getting through this shit, we were getting up and moving on and getting better, and stronger and prouder.  But you turned back.  You turned back to the junk you fucking junkie, you fucking whore, you fucking lying piece of shit, you fucking manipulative, dark bitch…….. that I used to be.  I love you and I miss you, I hate you and I’m fed up with you.  It’s time.  The fun is over and it’s time to get your shit back on straight.  Get your junkie ass fake friends and toss their fake asses out the fucking door.  Take control, you control freak, pussy ass cunt.  Don’t tell me you can’t control what goes on, you thrive on control. You are stronger than this you fucking bitch.  You fucking stupid junkie ass bitch.  You make excuse after excuse.  Fucking own your shit, pull yourself back up and when you do, I will be there.  I will be right there to say fuck the world, fuck the stupid, fuck the small town, fuck the boy toys, fuck the heartbreaks, fuck the junk, we can do this shit on our own terms, our own way.

 

i miss you.

 

 

The unsure….

via The unsure….

The unsure….

Unsure about being sure..

Do you ever feel so unsure about everything and so sure at the same time?  Here I am, 6 months postpartum, with my 3rd child, different dad than my other 2 and I am…..unsure about how sure I am.  Why is it, that being a woman is so hard.  We not only have to overcome our gender inequality with society, and god forbid you are a woman of color or a different race other than white, but we have to overcome the hormones and emotional balances of ourselves.  Perhaps I am in need of an entry cleanse, from my amazing sister, or perhaps there really IS something that my inner-soul knows is not right.

 

Not Trusting the Trusted….

For years, my soulmate and myself have been on and off and on and off, both of us too afraid to make that leap with each other.  Why?  I don’t know.  As we both try to explain it, it is like we are magnets, always pushing and pulling depending on how each of us is flipped.  20 years, we battled with this, both of us believing we weren’t right for each other, and wanting each other to be happy, but yet knowing only we could make each other happy, because we know each other from the soul and accept each other for who we both are individually.  So why, after so many years of fighting it, and finally deciding to make the commitment, have a child and stop fighting the universe, do I find myself  questioning everything in the back of my brain?  Why do I question who he talks to, or feel as if there is something going on in the background.  I have NO reason!  I know he loves me, I know he would never cheat on me or go behind my back, so why is it, that the female brain and female hormones cause such struggle within us?  I find myself searching, always always searching for something, because in my gut, there is something I feel I will find, but in my heart I know better.  Is this just postpartum hormones playing tricks on me?

Trusting the Universe….

I made a commitment to the universe a couple of years ago and I told myself that I was going to listen to my inner voice, relax and let the universe take me where it wants me to go.  It lead me away from my 13 year marriage with an amazing man, but we lacked communication and the ability to work through our struggles.  Always going in circles, always so hurt with each other and we just kept going around and around and around.   The universe, then brought my soulmate back into my life, and this time, he told me he didn’t ever want to let me go.  He wanted to be in my life and he missed his best friend.  We had a pretty hard falling out 4 years earlier, and it took me years to get passed it.  Or so I thought.  I meditated, I released my energetic cord from him (well I tried), I struggled, everyday, to forget him and move forward and that stupid inner voice constantly brought him back into my thoughts and into my heart.  I had to convince myself that I hated him, and I did.  I hated how much I loved him and how intense I felt about him and how centered he made me feel and how I went outside my marriage during a very, very dark time and showed me light.  I hated how much I went through and how much I sacrificed, only to be shut out.  No explanation, No word, just didn’t show up one day after I waited for 4 hours with no word and he got upset with me cause I got mad about it.  Never heard from him again.  4 years.  My heart, my soul was shattered.  I know the reasons why, I know I was in a dark place and I was drinking and to be honest, a hot mess, and….I was married.  But with him, I was light, I was peace, I was calm, I was … myself.  That, is another story in itself, and I have no problem taking blame where blame is due, but I was not the only one to blame in a failed marriage, I did my fair share however.

4 years, I worked on my marriage, I focused on us, and me, mostly me and coming to center with myself.  Making myself the focus and the balance in my life.  I didn’t want ANYONE to be the reason I was happy, or centered, or anything.  It was the hate that drove me and once that hate turned to acceptance, I found peace.  For a year, I found  peace and I found myself wanting to be alone.  Wanting to separate from my husband, not because of anyone else, but because I felt, we weren’t as happy as we should have been together.  I love my ex-husband very much, he is one of the most amazing  people I have ever met, but I felt he wasn’t truly happy and I wanted so badly for him to be happy.     So, I started more energy work and started to separate myself from my marriage.  I started to become me, on my own.  I was overcoming the “woman”.  I was overcoming and balancing the unbalanceable. I stopped drinking, exercised, found people that brought positivity to my life and I was happy, I was trusting the universe and giving my soul and myself to the world.  Living outside, loving the sun, embracing the water and flowing in the energy of the world around me.

Reassurance….

So, here I am, reconnected with my soulmate, new baby, new house, new life.  Happy. In Love. In Peace. Centered. What is it that is haunting me?  What is it, in the place I am that is causing me to feel like I am starting over with the universe, like I have lost my center, I have lost my self?  I am once again having to overcome this woman, overcome these hormones, over come….

Things I love …..

During the past few years, I’ve been on a journey of self discovery.  It hasn’t been an easy one, but I find that  it’s the simple things in life that make me the happiest and matter the most.  If I sold this house and all of our unnessicary possessions, including our TV, I would probably be a happier, more wholesome person.  I’m not sure my kids would agree, but you know what they say!  If mommy is happy, everyone is happy!  🙂  Anyway, something I started to do whenever I would get overwhelmed by life’s craziness,  is I would write down one simple thing, that made me happy and when ever I think of these simple things, I start to feel the light inside me grow a little bit brighter.  So I thought, I would share some of those things and maybe it would help anyone else out there that might need some simplicity.

Things I love…..

1. I love the smell of an outdoor bonfire in the winter time.
2. Driving with the windows down and the heat blasted on a cold day
3. The sound of walking on crunchy leaves in the fall.
4. Day dreaming
5. Christmas lights.  (anything shiney really!) 🙂
6. Hearing “I love you mom”
7. Belly laughs
8. Crunching the thin ice that builds up on the side of the sidewalk as I go for a walk.
9. I love having my hood up because I feel I can hide away from the world and still peak out without anyone seeing me.  It makes me feel invisible
10. Hats.  ^ same as above ^
11. Road trips.  I love getting lost and finding new places.
12. Spin kicks.  I LOVE SPIN KICKS!
13. Just being.  just being with a friend and playing a game with music on in the background.  No talking about drama, no talking about relationships, no talking about problems, or gossip, or anything.  Just being.
14. The floor.  I LOVE laying on the floor.

It’s not a long list, but it’s enough.  🙂

The Ballad Of Love And Hate

This is not a poem of mine, but lyrics to the song The ballad of Love and Hate by the Avett Brothers. It speaks to me so deeply, that I just wanted to share it.  I’ve been on both sides of this story, as I’m sure a lot of us have, if you haven’t heard it, you should give it a listen.  🙂

Love writes a letter and sends it to hate.
My vacations ending. I’m coming home late.
The weather was fine and the ocean was great
and I can’t wait to see you again.

Hate reads the letter and throws it away.
“No one here cares if you go or you stay.
I barely even noticed that you were away.
I’ll see you or I won’t, whatever.”

Love sings a song as she sails through the sky.
The water looks bluer through her pretty eyes.
And everyone knows it whenever she flies,
and also when she comes down.

Hate keeps his head up and walks through the street.
Every stranger and drifter he greets.
And shakes hands with every loner he meets
with a serious look on his face.

Love arrives safely with suitcase in tow.
Carrying with her the good things we know.
A reason to live and a reason to grow.
To trust. To hope. To care.

Hate sits alone on the hood of his car.
Without much regard to the moon or the stars.
Lazily killing the last of a jar
of the strongest stuff you can drink.

Love takes a taxi, a young man drives.
As soon as he sees her, hope fills his eyes.
But tears follow after, at the end of the ride,
cause he might never see her again.

Hate gets home lucky to still be alive.
He screams o’er the sidewalk and into the drive.
The clock in the kitchen says 2:55,
And the clock in the kitchen is slow.

Love has been waiting, patient and kind.
Just wanting a phone call or some kind of sign,
That the one that she cares for, who’s out of his mind,
Will make it back safe to her arms.

Hate stumbles forward and leans in the door.
Weary head hung down, eyes to the floor.
He says “Love, I’m sorry”, and she says, “What for?
I’m yours and that’s it, Whatever.
I should not have been gone for so long.
I’m yours and that’s it, forever.”

You’re mine and that’s it, forever.

The Seeker…..

“It is almost as if we are all playing a big game of hide-and-go-seek. We all hide expecting to be found, but no one has been labelled the seeker. We stand behind the wall, at first excited, then worried, then bored, then anxious, then angry. We hide and hide. After a while, the game is not fun anymore. Where is my seeker? Where is the person who is supposed to come find me here in my protected shell and cut me open? Where is that one who will make me trust him, make me comfortable, make me feel whole? Some people rot on the spot, waiting for the seeker that never comes. The most important truth that I can relate to you, if you are hiding and waiting, is that the seeker is you and the world, behind so many walls, awaits.”
—Vironika Tugaleva, The Love Mindset

Blur

Sometimes what you want to be a sharp reality, is in truth, a reflection of blurred fantasy.  And the more you try to bring that fantasy into focus, like the ripples from wind blowing across the water, it becomes more defiled.  Some things are not meant to become substancive, they are simply supposed to be left alone to enjoy the idea of their beauty.  

Prayer…..

I don’t pray too often, but I find myself in need at times, and there’s a glimmer of hope that there is someone on the other side listening.  There have been a few times in my life that I believe someone was there watching out for me, and I am hoping that someone is there now to help guide me through these  days.  I pray that she has had a fulfilled life, full of love, wonder, joy, accomplishment, adventure, pain, worry, truth, fear, loss, gain, birth, rejoice.  I pray she has felt every ounce of life.  I pray that she feels complete through these next few weeks and that nothing goes unsaid, so she can start her new journey with contentment and pure happiness.  I pray that her soul reconnects with her true love that left her so many years ago and that they once again can be whole and pure.  I pray that her last few moments here with us are pain-free and beautiful.

I watch her sit by the window and gaze out, with what I can only image her vision to be.  The beautiful smudged colors of the trees, the reflection of the sun on the water, casting bright starlights through the cat tails and willow tree branches that hang low along the shores.  The peaceful breeze that stirs silently through the windows on the other side of the glass.  The marching beat of the music that plays in her room that seems to bring memories and joy to her face with every note.  I watch my mother sit with her, side by side holding hands…. listening…feeling….being…reflecting…. sitting in silence enjoying each other, both holding on to every moment that they can together.

Holding on to the words that she tells her great-grandchildren, breaks my heart every time it runs through my mind. So simple, so beautiful, so pure of heart and full of love.  You are so good, I am so proud of how good you are.  Stay good and remember your Oma.  I will be looking down on you and watching over you.  As her voice breaks with every words, every ounce of strength breaks in me.  She is proud of me and of how good my boys are, and that means the world to me.  I inside, selfishly and whole heartily am not ready for her to go.  I am not ready to let her go.  But she is, she is ready to go, she is ready to be free.  She is ready to run and dance in the wind.  She is ready be independent again and to be able to go where ever she pleases.

So, with this, I pray for her peace, her spirit and her soul to be complete.  I pray for the strength to get through this.  I know that I have no choice in the matter and that it will happen no matter how hard I fight it, so I pray to you, to help us all get through this tremendous loss of such a wonderful, beautiful, strong and inspirational woman.  She is loved were ever we go.  People at the bank, the pharmacy, the grocery store, the nail salon, everywhere I go with her, people tell me how much they love her and how cute and funny she is.  I pray for the strength…… please, I need more strength….

4 out of 5

The last 4 years has been an amazing journey in karate. It’s been a challenge both mentally and physically. I’ve had to put myself into some very emotional and physical battles to overcome some tremendous fears that were a result of past relationships. That battle will always continue, but when you have the right support along with the will and determination you can get through anything. The last 2 months and more so the last 2 weeks have been down right relentless. I test tonight for my 4th out of 5 stripes needed to go to my black belt. Exhausted, nervous and just ready for some damn sleep, I go……

Black Belt..

• B elieving in yourself, even when you fail
• L etting go of everything you control, and letting your memory take over
• A ccepting the challenge, day after day
  C ourage, to overcome your self doubts
  K ata – to which, there will never be perfection, there is always details to improve on

• B ruises, so many I’ve lost count
  E asy?  no, nothing important ever is
• L ife passion – Karate is a life long passion for most, there is never an end goal, there is alway something new to reach for
• T imeless, there is no time, in which, it takes someone to earn thier black belt. It is a personal journey for each individual and for the person reaching their Black Belt, it is only the beginning of the journey into the marital arts. It is a signal that they have now accomplished the knowledge of the basics to which they can now, move forward.